my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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