is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
