you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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