Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We have started to decorate penises.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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