Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
