Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
