The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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