Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
