She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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