I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
one might say we're banned from that church
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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