if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
