i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
