i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
