there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
