Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
