My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
