I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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