he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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