Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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