i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
