Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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