The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
