I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
