As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
