i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
