I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
