my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
