stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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