and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
