a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
