I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
