Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
