A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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