I wish my penis had an off switch
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
