The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
