I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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