U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize