He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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