I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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