This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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