WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
