if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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