This dress was meant to end up on your floor
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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