thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
