You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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