the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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