It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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