So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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