i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My liver is preforming stress tests.
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