Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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