cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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