I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
