...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
