I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I have post one night stand depression
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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