Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
