I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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