Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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