Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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